Last week was kind of a shit show, don’t know if you could tell from the blogging, but I was kind of a mess. Bad sleep, unable to focus on doing stuff during the day, one particularly bad panic episode that saw me going to three stores and driving through the parking lot of a fourth to get new locks for the house (which was a thing I needed to do anyway, one of our spare keys went missing, but probably not quite so rushed). The calm distance from the first three or four weeks of social distance is gone, and I’m just treading water at the moment.
All that said, continuing to shelter in place is the right thing to do. Many more people will die if we don’t. It’s nuts to think that some states are talking about opening up as early as next week, (fact check me; I don’t actually know any of the dates, but Oklahoma and Georgia, my home state and the place of my birth, respectively, are making asses of themselves).
I’m doing a little better this week, trying to manage my sleep better, at least. The world is pretty messed up right now, and it’s easy to fall in to despair. But I can’t think of a time where that wasn’t true, either. I was reminded, by a friend, of the end of Ulysses:
Death closes all: but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
‘T is not too late to seek a newer world.
I have an essay to work up about local minima and false vacuum; I think there are parallels to our current situation; the current situation is a local minima, and the new ground state is out there, waiting to happen. Anyway, the whole essay should happen sometime this week, if I can give it a polish and push publish.
Posted by matt on 2020-04-29T08:13:47Z GMT
These were just after we got back, I think. Datestamp is the fourth of January, which makes some sense. When we got home, the cat went out to a party, and we spent a good part of the next day finding him, so between the road stress and the stress of the cat missing, that little break at the end of the year wasn’t, really.
Still working on the design, although now the links have color again.
Self portrait. I promise I’m not trying to tense up in this photo, that’s just kinda how I look taking a picture sometimes? I’ve got a lot of pictures to work through, but I think they’ll go pretty quickly at this point; the first 2.5 months of the year had a rhythm, and I’m not sure how many posts I can wring out of that before we’re down to what I’m getting on my exercise walks now. We’ll see.
Posted by matt on 2020-04-25T10:54:17Z GMT
not much to say. just letting things marinate. Haven’t been sleeping terribly well, what with the lockdown and the pandemic. Not getting out of the house is hard when that’s a main coping mechanism. I totally get it, I understand the reasons; doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve been going on a couple walks a week, as a sort of minimum viable exercise. I’m going to have to branch out soon, or start taking the bike instead; the photos on the route I’ve been taking are getting a little stale. Or maybe it’s the lack of sleep.
Anyway, these photos are from the last day of our road trip home. A milk run from Needles to Oakland, about 8 hours according to google maps, which is about what I remember. There was snow crossing the first set of mountains, which was pretty wild, as they’re usually pretty hot and barren. Right time of year for a freak storm, but it’d passed a couple days ahead of us. Then the surrealist masterpiece, the 5, most of the day. We were still driving after dark, coming over the coast range on 680, I think.
Posted by matt on 2020-04-22T05:48:07Z GMT
These were shot in the no-time between christmas and new years, as we wended our way home. Day 2 of 3 days driving, although the last day was only about 6 hours.
I don’t have any writing that’s like… fully baked at the moment. I’m thinking about some things, though. Blogging seems, overall, a much more positive way to spend my energy online. There’s no real feedback mechanism, unfortunately. I could add likes and comments pretty easily, but I don’t wanna. I think one of the things blogging is helps with is breaking some of the small feedback loops in favor of bigger ones.
Producing work, consistently, on a scale of months and years, is something that separates the real from the dilettantes (maybe. or maybe you take one perfect picture once. don’t ask me, I can’t tell you). Anyway, I’m going to have to ruminate on that and work it into a thesis, but there’s something to not being part of anyone else’s feed, just producing my own. Different priorities. The impossibility of going viral (well, much reduced). Anyway, yeah, that’s a sketch of what might become a whole essay.
Posted by matt on 2020-04-20T07:51:24Z GMT
Holly was a good dog. She loved belly rubs, hikes with her people, and didn’t care a bit if it was raining. She always remembered me when I came to visit, even that one time we didn’t see each other for like a couple years. Holly still knew that I was good for maybe one more pet. A friend to everyone, even the deer she like to bark at in her people’s back yard.
I don’t normally do this kind of post, but normally, to process grief, I can be around people. So here we are.
Yeah, regularly scheduled programming will resume tomorrow. Or next week, probably.
Posted by matt on 2020-04-17T08:48:38Z GMT
